This year is about creating healthy friendships, boundaries, care for myself and also the ones I love.
Since losing my daughter in 2021, things have never been the same for me.
I had trouble being grounded in my surroundings. I believe that good things happen to good people and children are a good thing. I went to the hospital on July 8th and came home July 9th without her.
I must be a bad person right?
I’m always seeing the positive in situations/people and am avid on looking for solutions instead of creating more problems but in that moment, there was no relief. I was inconsolable and still had to keep a strong face for my family because I was so ashamed. I believe us women are wonderful. Magic to it’s core and it was my duty to bring home a child. I gave birth and came home empty and that, as a woman was extremely shameful. The embarrassment of not bringing my mom her first grandchild, when I am her only child. The embarrassment of my baby father’s mom telling me “what happened I told everyone I was having a baby” when I came home, knowing she was genuinely happy I couldn’t carry out. The fucking shame of seeing how much of a bad person I thought I was because a heartbeat stopped 3 months shy of coming into a world she was too good for. Some women have children that they don’t even care for but THEY got to take their babies home. My daughter came home 6 months old, developed, descriptive, in ashes. When I held her after giving birth, she exuded peace and it calmed me. She had my attitude after all. I don’t think I’ve ever known so much joy and pain in one moment. When shit gets hard, I think of that face, of that peace. Mother’s Day is weird for me. She’s here but she’s not. I am a mother but my daughter lives in the sky. I get lost but I’m found in that peace. In that bond I shared of looking at her and seeing the lineage of the quality in the women of my family in her tiny aura: resilience. I cried so many nights for you, even still. I go to the beach and imagine what you would be like. I talk to the stars about you. I hold you in my dreams. Dreams wander through dimensions of different realities so I know we exist together, somewhere. How comforting. I sometimes daydream of ending things here to be with you forever but that would’ve be fair. The universe is requiring me to do something only I can do and that’s why I’m here but Ghadi Zion Duval, you are the truth I’ve been looking for my whole life. Today I meditated and I saw you and Tía Aida together, at peace. I cried, she held me and you smiled sitting to my right. Nothing else even matters compared to the depths of these moments with you. Nothing will ever matter as much as the reality of when I held you. I’m grateful to have been present in time and be able to soak back into those moments.
I thought I had time.
Time taught me how unpredictable it can be.
So. When I am told I’m too positive, too honest, too protective of my journey to maintain peace, too stingy with my time or too protective of my loved ones, imagine that. That memory is embellished in my skin in much greater detail that only my loss for words can remember. What would you have done with that pain, if you were me? Why are you so quiet now..
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